The Truth About Liars

We have all met liars. Perhaps we are liars ourselves on one level or another. What types of liars are there? 

'The truth is rarely pure and never simple' Oscar Wilde

What is the Difference Between a Sociopath, a Compulsive, a Pathological, a Chronic, and a Habitual Liar?
A Sociopath

A sociopath is typically defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others. A sociopath is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused - it is done to get one's way). Sociopaths have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. Sociopaths are often charming and charismatic, but they use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered ways (see lovefraud, for more on sociopaths).

Compulsive Liar
A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary. For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit - an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship (see, how to cope with a compulsive liar).

The terms Pathological Liar, Habitual Liar and Chronic Liar are often used to refer to a Compulsive Liar
Take a quick survey and see how your lying compares with others -compulsive lying quiz

http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/confronting-a-partner/compulsive-lying/types-of-liars.html

http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/

Use of Dreams in Therapy

Sigmund Freud wrote that “Dreams are the royal road to the unconscious.” He believed that analyzing dreams could derive an interpretation, and thus discover a dream’s meaning. The meaning could then be used to provide a “glimpse” into the inner workings of our mind, and most importantly be used as material in psychotherapy. Since Freud wrote his ground breaking book in 1899 titled “The Interpretation of Dreams”, other authors have followed in his literary footsteps and offered their own interpretations of our dreams. Today’s bookstore shelves offer an array of options for discovering the secret meaning behind our dreams but do they really have meaning, and is it helpful to speak about them in therapy?

Types of dreams

There are many types of dreams, such as the following:

Night terrors: a dream where the dreamer screams, experiences great fear, and flails while they are asleep. Typically this type of dream is more common in children.
Night mares: a disturbing dream that is comprised of negative emotions, such as fear or anxiety. This type of dream is more common in children but teens and adults also experience them.
Lucid dreams: a dream where the dreamer knows they are dreaming and they are able to control the experiences within the dream. Some believe you can learn how to experience these types of dreams by learning specific dream induction techniques.
Normal dreams: a dream where the dreamer is not aware they are dreaming and where the experience of the reality of the dream does not provoke fear or anxiety.

Depending upon the type of modality your therapist practices and the established treatment goals your therapist may ask you about your dreams. Interpreting dreams can provide a different perspective upon our life’s problems and subconscious struggles. Dreaming is a natural part of human existence and takes place while we enter into a different type of consciousness. Taking the time to examine your dreams in therapy can help you tap into unexpressed emotions and shed light on issues that you may have been putting off looking at consciously.

How to use your dreams in therapy

Decide if it needs to be interpreted: Not all dreams will need to be interpreted; some dreams are too literal and therefore probably do not have much insightful value to them, e.g. remembering where you left the report at work.
Keep a dream journal: You need to remember your dreams in order for them to be interpreted. Keeping a dream journal or a pad of paper next to your bed is a useful way to remember your dreams. Upon waking from your sleep grab your pen and write down what you remember. Trying to remember your dream after a long day is going to be more difficult and you will probably forget parts of your dream that may be important in revealing its meaning.
Examine the dream when you are ready: Dream interpretation is not an exact science and there is no one specific meaning for a particular type of dream. Taking your dream journal to therapy and discussing your dreams with your therapist can help to provide the objective view that may be needed to bring the meaning to light, assuming there is one. The content of the dream can then be used as a spring board for your therapy session.

Looking at our dreams can provide important clues to the inner workings of our minds and important material for your therapy sessions. Remember that not all therapists will ask you about your dreams so you may want to ask them if speaking about your dreams in therapy may be helpful. Together with the assistance of your therapist you can look for the meaning of your dreams and use the insights drawn from them in your sessions.

More on Dreams:

Dreams Facts, Lucid Dreaming, The Meaning of Dreams, What are Dreams Nightmares, Sleep Paralysis, Children's Nightmares, Night Terrors Solved by Past Life Regression, The Advantages of Daydreaming, 7 Common Dreams and What They Mean,

Source: http://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/dream-analysis-therapy-counselling.htm

How To Keep The Love Alive

On Wednesday, March 10, I had the pleasure of making love with Scientific American's editor in chief, Mariette DiChristina—in front of a large audience, no less.

Hey, calm down. We didn’t make love with each other. We did something even better. We showed about a hundred smart, skeptical New Yorkers that we could, fairly easily and on demand, increase the love that people feel toward each other—people who are already in love, people who are just friends, and even total strangers.

The venue was the classy 92YTribeca, the fairly new home of art and intellect in lower Manhattan, and the excuse was Scientific American Mind's January/February cover story about how science can help you fall in love. Our presentation began, consistent with the occasion, with a prolonged hug that prompted laughter and applause.

When, eventually, the embrace ended, I asked four volunteers to come up on stage, and I paired them off into couples that had never met before. I then asked them, on a scale of 1 to 10 (where 1 was low and 10 was high), a) how much they liked each other, b) how much they loved each other, c) how close they felt to each other, and d) how attracted they were to each other.

Next, I asked the individuals in each couple simply to look deeply into each other’s eyes for two minutes in an exercise I call “Soul Gazing.” After the giggling stopped, they got down to business and started looking quite serious.

Then I asked for those numbers again: liking, loving, closeness and attraction. To the delight and astonishment of the audience, the numbers went up for all four people—14 percent overall.

But why should just four people have all the fun? I now asked everyone in the audience to turn toward the person in the seat next to him or her and gaze —after which I asked people to raise their hands if they felt closer to the person they had just faced. Nearly every hand went up.

Research and Love

Can emotional intimacy truly be increased on demand? Mariette now explored the issue by reviewing some of the scientific studies that have been conducted on this topic in recent years, which show, among other things, that:

* Emotional bonds are strengthened when people engage in physically arousing activities together (get thee to the gym)

* People tend to bond when they’re in frightening situations together (bungee jumping anyone?)

* Feelings of love indeed grow when total strangers simply gaze into each other’s eyes for two minutes (but please read on before you start staring at strangers on New York subways)

* People feel closer when they do new things together (been to the new Museum of Sex on 5th Avenue yet?)

More than 80 scientific studies demonstrate such phenomena. Mariette, switching to journalist mode, then asked me questions about the research, such as, “Isn’t staring at someone threatening? Why would people fall in love simply by gazing at each other? And why do any of these procedures work at all?”

Having studied such matters now for seven years, in part by interviewing people who are in arranged marriages in which love has grown over time, I answered as follows:

Emotional bonds often get stronger when people feel vulnerable, and this works for two reasons. First, when you see someone who is in a weak and vulnerable state, you often feel like comforting or protecting that person; those tendencies make you feel close to someone, and they often bring you physically closer, too. Second, when you are feeling vulnerable yourself, you might interpret your emotional state as a loving one—especially if someone nearby happens to reach out to comfort you. If two people feel vulnerable simultaneously, these two tendencies can interlock and increase synergistically.

Most of the experiences that lead to increases in emotional intimacy produce this kind of dynamic. Strong sexual attraction, scary situations, vigorous exercise and novel situations all make people feel vulnerable to some extent. And, yes, even gazing can have this effect. The difference between mutual gazing and staring is the consent; people are giving each other permission to invade their privacy in way that is normally quite threatening. It’s like saying, “Okay, you can see me naked. No problem.” Do you feel vulnerable? You bet.

Love Games

Enough talk. We spent the next half hour demonstrating three other techniques that quickly increased emotional bonds: “The Love Aura,” “Let Me Inside,” and the “I-Love-You Game.” In the last, two strangers took turns saying “I love you” to each other in different ways. In our culture, that phrase is one of the hardest things there is to say to someone; saying it makes people feel especially vulnerable. Our volunteers were nervous and giggly at first, but then became increasingly earnest and emphatic—intense, in fact. Their intimacy numbers nearly doubled in just over two minutes, and they embraced each other warmly the moment exercise ended. It was breathtaking to watch.

Was this just a series of parlor tricks? Not at all. I’ve become increasingly convinced over the years that the way we seek and form relationships in Western countries is deeply flawed—and that we can do better. Our relationships typically begin with a burst of physical attraction that we interpret, often incorrectly, as love. Over time, both the passion and the loving feelings subside. Worse still, we leave the entire process to chance—to the Fates, as it were. In some cultures in Africa and Asia, however, love is on a very different trajectory. Many couples are able to make love grow stronger over time, taking responsibility for their feelings and taking control over the process of loving. “First comes marriage, then comes love,” people say in India.

I now believe I understand a good deal about how this process works, and I believe that it can be packaged to suit Western tastes and needs without importing foreign cultures or the practice of arranged marriage. That was the message Mariette and I left with an appreciative—and dare I even say loving?—audience.

As I left the stage, a woman approached me and said that the gazing exercise, which she had done with man who was a total stranger to her, had made her cry. “There was a whole world in those eyes,” she said.

Yes, of course. We only have to learn how to see.

By Robert Epstein

Source: http://www.scientificamerican.com/
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=science-of-love

The Trouble With Bright Girls

Successful women know only too well that in any male-dominated profession, we often find ourselves at a distinct disadvantage.   We are routinely underestimated, underutilized, and even underpaid.  Studies show that women need to perform at extraordinarily high levels, just to appear moderately competent compared to our male coworkers.

But in my experience, smart and talented women rarely realize that one of the toughest hurdles they'll have to overcome to be successful lies within.  We judge our own abilities not only more harshly, but fundamentally differently, than men do. Understanding why we do it is the first step to righting a terrible wrong.  And to do that, we need to take a step back in time.

Chances are good that if you are a successful professional today, you were a pretty bright fifth grade girl.  My graduate advisor, psychologist Carol Dweck (author of Mindset) conducted a series of studies in the 1980s, looking at how bright girls and boys in the fifth grade handled new, difficult and confusing material.

She found that bright girls, when given something to learn that was particularly foreign or complex, were quick to give up - and the higher the girls' IQ, the more likely they were to throw in the towel.  In fact, the straight-A girls showed the most helpless responses.  Bright boys, on the other hand, saw the difficult material as a challenge, and found it energizing.  They were more likely to redouble their efforts, rather than giving up.

Why does this happen? What makes smart girls more vulnerable, and less confident, when they should be the most confident kids in the room? At the 5th grade level, girls routinely outperform boys in every subject, including math and science. So there were no differences between these boys and girls in ability, nor in past history of success. The only difference was how bright boys and girls interpreted difficulty - what it meant to them when material seemed hard to learn. Bright girls were much quicker to doubt their ability, to lose confidence, and to become less effective learners as a result.

Researchers have uncovered the reason for this difference in how difficulty is interpreted, and it is simply this:  more often than not, bright girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice. 

How do girls and boys develop these different views?  Most likely, it has to do with the kinds of feedback we get from parents and teachers as young children.  Girls, who develop self-control earlier and are better able to follow instructions, are often praised for their "goodness."  When we do well in school, we are told that we are "so smart," "so clever, " or " such a good student."  This kind of praise implies that traits like smartness, cleverness, and goodness are qualities you either have or you don't.

Boys, on the other hand, are a handful.  Just trying to get boys to sit still and pay attention is a real challenge for any parent or teacher.  As a result, boys are given a lot more feedback that emphasizes effort (e.g., "If you would just pay attention you could learn this," "If you would just try a little harder you could get it right.")  The net result: when learning something new is truly difficult, girls take it as sign that they aren't "good" and "smart", and boys take it as a sign to pay attention and try harder.

We continue to carry these beliefs, often unconsciously, around with us throughout our lives.  And because bright girls are particularly likely to see their abilities as innate and unchangeable, they grow up to be women who are far too hard on themselves - women who will prematurely conclude that they don't have what it takes to succeed in a particular arena, and give up way too soon. 

Even if every external disadvantage to a woman's rising to the top of an organization is removed - every inequality of opportunity, every chauvinistic stereotype, all the challenges we face balancing work and family - we would still have to deal with the fact that through our mistaken beliefs about our abilities, we may be our own worst enemy.

How often have you found yourself avoiding challenges and playing it safe, sticking to goals you knew would be easy for you to reach?  Are there things you decided long ago that you could never be good at?  Skills you believed you would never possess?  If the list is a long one, you were probably one of the Bright Girls  - and your belief that you are "stuck" being exactly as you are has done more to determine the course of your life than you probably ever imagined.  Which would be fine, if your abilities were innate and unchangeable.  Only they're not.

No matter the ability - whether it's intelligence, creativity, self-control, charm, or athleticism - studies show them to be profoundly malleable.  When it comes to mastering any skill, your experience, effort, and persistence matter a lot.    So if you were a Bright Girl, it's time to toss out your (mistaken) belief about how ability works, embrace the fact that you can always improve, and reclaim the confidence to tackle any challenge that you lost so long ago.

By Heidi Grant Halvorson, Ph.D

Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201101/the-trouble-bright-girls

http://www.psychologytoday.com/

Subconscious mind quotes (from Dr Joseph Murphy)

Subconscious mind quotes from the book "the power of your subconscious mind" - Dr Joseph Murphy.

- Imagine the end desired and feel its reality. Follow it through, and you will get definite results.

- Remember that the thankful heart is always close to the riches of the universe.

- Avoid all effort or mental coercion to prayer. Get into a sleepy, drowsy state and lull yourself to sleep feeling and knowing that your prayer is answered.

- A mental picture is worth a thousand words. Your subconscious will bring to pass any picture held in the mind backed by faith.

- Feel the joy and restfulness in foreseeing the certain accomplishment of your desire. Any mental picture which you have in your mind is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.

- Experiment scientifically until you personally prove that there is always a direct response from the infinite intelligence of your subconscious mind to your conscious thinking.

- You can build radiant health, success, and happiness by the thoughts you think in the hidden studio of your mind.

- Desire to accomplish things the easy way-with the sure aid of mental science.

- Your desire is your prayer. Picture the fulfillment of your desire now and feel its reality, and you will experience the joy of the answered prayer.

- Learn to pray for your loved ones who may be ill. Quiet your mind, and your thoughts of healing, vitality, and perfection operating through the one universal subjective mind will be felt and resurrected in the mind of your loved one.

- Blind faith means that a person may get results in healing without any scientific understanding of the powers and forces involved.

- Always remember, if you really want the power to heal, you can have it through faith, which means a knowledge of the working of your conscious and subconscious mind. Faith comes with understanding.

- Great and noble thoughts upon which you habitually dwell become great acts.

- Decide what belief is. Know that belief is a thought in your mind, and what you think you create.

- Develop a definite plan for turning over your requests or desires to your subconscious mind.

- Find out what it is that heals you. Realize that correct directions given to your subconscious mind will heal your mind and body.

- Whether the object of your faith is real or false, you will get results. Your subconscious mind responds to the thought in your mind. Look upon faith as a thought in your mind, and that will suffice.

- There is only one process of healing and that is faith. There is only one healing power, namely, your subconscious mind.

- The symptoms of almost any disease can be induced in you by hypnotic suggestion. This shows you the power of your thought.

- All disease originates in the mind. Nothing appears on the body unless there is a mental pattern corresponding to it.

- The miraculous healings you hear about at various shrines are due to imagination and blind faith which act on the subconscious mind, releasing the healing power.

- In praying for another, know that your silent inner knowing of wholeness, beauty, and perfection can change the negative patterns of the other’s subconscious mind and bring about wonderful results.

- The idea you have for a book, new invention, or play is real in your mind. That is why you can believe you have it now. Believe in the reality of your idea, plan, or invention, and as you do it will become manifest.

- Know that faith is like a seed planted in the ground; it grows after its kind. Plant the idea (seed) in your mind, water and fertilize it with expectancy, and it will manifest.

- Remind yourself frequently that the healing power is in your own subconscious mind.

- Imagine the happy ending or solutions to your problem, feel the thrill of accomplishment, and what you imagine and feel will be accepted by your subconscious mind and it will bring it to pass.

- Keep your conscious mind busy with the expectation of the best, and your subconscious will faithfully reproduce your habitual thinking.

- You can interfere with the normal rhythm of your heart, lungs, and other organs by worry, anxiety, and fear. Feed your subconscious with thoughts of harmony, health, and peace, and all the functions of your body will become normal again.

- The Life Principle will flow through you rhythmically and harmoniously if you consciously affirm: “I believe that the subconscious power which gave me this desire is now fulfilling it through me.” This dissolves all conflicts.

- All frustration is due to unfulfilled desires. If you dwell on obstacles, delays, and difficulties, your subconscious mind responds accordingly, and you are blocking your own good.

- The law of action and reaction is universal. Your thought is action, and the reaction is the automatic response of your subconscious mind to your thought. Watch your thoughts!

- Whatever you impress on your subconscious mind is expressed on the screen of space as conditions, experiences, and events. Therefore, you should carefully watch all ideas and thoughts entertained in your conscious mind.

- Prior to sleep, turn over a specific request to your subconscious mind and prove its miracle-working power to yourself.

- Your subconscious mind controls all the vital processes of your body and knows the answer to all problems.

- Whatever your conscious mind assumes and believes to be true, your subconscious mind will accept and bring to pass. Believe in good fortune, divine guidance, right action, and all the blessings of life.

- Begin to think from the standpoint of the eternal truths and principles of life and not from the standpoint of fear, ignorance, and superstition. Do not let others do your thinking for you. Choose your own thoughts and make your own decisions.

- Watch what you say. You have to account for every idle word. Never say, “I will fail; I will lose my job; I can’t pay the rent.” Your subconscious cannot take a joke. It brings all these things to pass.

- The suggestions and statements of others have no power to hurt you. The only power is the movement of your own thought. You can choose to reject the thoughts or statements of others and affirm the good. You have the power to choose how you will react.

- Your conscious mind is the “watchman at the gate.” Its chief function is to protect your subconscious mind from false impressions. Choose to believe that something good can happen and is happening now. Your greatest power is your capacity to choose. Choose happiness and abundance.

- You have the power to choose. Chose health and happiness. You can choose to be friendly, or you can choose to be unfriendly. Choose to be co-operative, joyous, friendly, lovable, and the whole world will respond. This is the best way to develop a wonderful personality.

- Your subconscious mind does not argue with you. It accepts what your conscious mind decrees. If you say, “I can’t afford it,” it may be true, but do not say it. Select a better thought, decree, “I’ll buy it. I accept it in my mind.”

- Think good, and good follows. Think evil, and evil follows. You are what you think all day long.

- Change your thoughts, and you change your destiny.

- Your Subconscious has the answer to all problems. If you suggest to your subconscious prior to sleep, "I want to get up at 6 A.M.," it will awaken you at that exact time.

- You are like a captain navigating a ship. He must give the right orders, and likewise, you must give the right orders (thoughts and images) to your subconscious mind which controls and governs all your experiences.

- Every thought is a cause, and every condition is an effect.

- Your subconscious mind is the builder of your body and can heal you. Lull yourself to sleep every night with the idea of perfect health, and your subconscious, being your faithful servant, will obey you.

- If you want to write a book, write a wonderful play, give a better talk to your audience, convey the idea lovingly and feelingly to your subconscious mind, and it will respond accordingly.

- Generate electronic waves of harmony, health, and peace by thinking of the love and the glory of God.

- What you decree and feel as true will come to pass. Decree harmony, health, peace, and abundance.

- Your subconscious is the builder of your body and is on the job 24 hours a day. You interfere with its life giving patterns by negative thinking.

Subconscious mind quotes from various authors.

Video: Monkey Cooperation and Fairness

How much can animal studies teach us about our own behaviour patterns?

Treating Phobias With Hypnosis: The Rewind Technique

Phobias (explained here) are fairly common. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that approximately 8-18% of the American population suffers from a phobia. They are the most common form of an anxiety disorder. Among women of all ages, phobias are the most common form of mental disorder and among men older than 25, phobias are the second most common form of mental disorder. Hypnosis is an effective form of treatment of phobias (Kessler et al., 2005). Recently, a new technique, called the Rewind Technique, has been found to be highly effective in helping people get rid of their fears.

A phobia is an irrational fear that poses little or no danger to the person suffering from the fear. Types of fear include fear of heights, small spaces, driving, flying, and different kinds of animals. To calm their fears, most people try to avoid what they are afraid of. If they face their fear, common symptoms of the phobia include: panic, anxiety, rapid heart rate, and shortness of breath (Medline Plus).

Being afraid is a survival mechanism that was a very important part of survival in ancient times. It is instilled in all humans and now phobias are directed in an irrational way. The goal of hypnotherapy is to remove the subconscious pattern of the phobia. A common technique used with hypnotherapy is called the Rewind Technique. This technique is similar to a Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) technique.

This technique has proven highly effective no matter how long the person has suffered from the phobia. Also, whether the phobia or the symptoms of the phobia are severe or not, the Rewind Technique works quickly and efficiently, often within one session.

The Rewind Technique is used after a hypnotherapist induces the state of hypnosis on the phobia sufferer. Then, the hypnotherapist guides the patient through images and steps that act to "rewind" the phobia. The hypnotherapist does not need to know how the phobia first started and does not need to know any of the symptoms the patient is suffering from. All the hypnotherapist must know is how to guide patients through the Rewind Technique to help them overcome their fear (Sherred).

There are many benefits of using hypnosis and the Rewind Technique on people who suffer from phobias. It is a fast and effective method for helping a person overcome his/her phobia. It improves quality of life and can reduce use of prescription medication that is often used to treat the symptoms of the phobia. This technique can also be used with people who suffer from post traumatic stress disorder.

By Steve G Jones

http://www.naturalnews.com/027267_phobias_hypnosis_hypnotherapy.html#ixzz2Au77Vv5G
http://www.naturalnews.com/index.html

7 Reasons Why Women Are Attracted To The 'Bad Boy'

As a follow up to 'Why are some men attracted to crazy women' http://healnowtherapyhypnosis.blogspot.mx/2012/10/why-are-some-men-attracted-to-crazy.html

Have you ever wondered why THAT guy always seems to get the girls? He's brash, cocky and he marches to the beat of his own drum. He's on (or over) the edge, bordering on rude and doesn't seem to give a damn about anyone but himself - what exactly do women see in a guy like that?

You consider yourself outgoing, but conservative; interesting but a little shy; you can keep a conversation going, but with the right people... sounds good doesn't it? Why do the bad boys always seem to get the ladies? Here are 7 reasons why:

1. Rebels are confident

That's right. They wouldn't be able to pull off half of the antics they do if they weren't brimming with confidence. Bad boys aren't just confident around their friends, either - their cavalier attitude is in everything they do, from eating their cereal in the morning, to asking the bartender for a cool glass of draft... to talking to the ladies on the balcony at a friend's party. No matter where you look, women find confidence a major turn on.

2. Rebels are indifferent

Bad boys just simply don't give a damn. They can take it or leave it. That's one reason why they fare well with women. If a woman says no, who cares? They move on to the next one, and they do it with the same verve and maverick attitude as they did the last one. Here is a great quote, "Mr. Right doesn't necessarily care if he is Mr. Right." That's indifference in a nutshell.

3. Rebels are exciting and adventurous

Ask yourself, "when was the last time I took a walk on the wild side?" If you are asking yourself that question, then you obviously aren't a rebel. The 'bad boys' are always testing the boundaries and pushing the envelope when it comes to their life - and women can't get enough of it. They find it intriguing. And when you put exciting and adventurous beside the other rebellious traits, it sends women into a tizzy.

4. Rebels are challenging and mysterious

Women don't dig men that are pushovers. They also don't like men that they can see coming a mile away. Contrary to the belief women like men they can read and men that provide them with a sense of security, women actually LOVE to guess! It is challenging for them, and it is one of the elements of the bad boy that keeps them coming back for more!

5. Rebels are very masculine

This often goes hand-in-hand with being confident, indifferent, exciting, adventurous... etc. Bad boys are often rugged and in-control. That doesn't mean controlling; they just know how to get what they want. They speak clearly and confidently, they look you in the eye, they are passionate about what they believe in... but most importantly, they still know how to treat a lady.

6. Rebels give women a feeling of power

The illusion of control is often more powerful than control itself. Power within a relationship, power outside of a relationship - it doesn't matter - being with a bad boy, encompassing all of the above traits, gives women an air of strength and togetherness. Essentially the confident, cocky bad boy image rubs off a little bit on her - and she laps it up!

7. Rebels know how to talk to women

If they weren't confident, rebels would not be the chick magnets they are. Instead of indifferent, they would be self-conscious and non-committal (how many women have you passed up because you didn't think you were good enough?) - you see, rebels don't care. Rising to the challenge, living the wild side of life, being something more than conservative, and keeping her guessing about you - and her - it's an explosive combination! And one that is geared to success for the dating male.

The combination makes the talking part almost a given - considering the woman's interest has already been sparked. Talking with them is just the part that reels them in. And the bad boy knows how to tell her just what she wants to hear.

Rebels know how to talk to women because they are all of the above. Confidence followed up with indifference, sprinkled with a little bit of mystery, intrigue and excitement is what attracts most women to start. That gets you the 'in' to talk with them - they're interested, now you have to show them what you've got. Figuring those things out is the trick. Bad boys use their conversational skills to keep a woman interested and wanting more - and you can too.

By Chris Williamson

Source: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/The_7_Reasons_Why_Women_Love_Bad_Boys_28607.html

http://www.selfgrowth.com/

Understanding and Explanation of Dreams: Fritz Perls Gestalt Therapy

The founder of the Gestalt Therapy movement, Frederick (Fritz) Perls, took his initial training as a Freudian psychoanalyst, but soon saw psychoanalysis as a big game that kept the patient in the therapist’s pocket (or the therapist in the patient’s pockets) and began to work out quick, powerful techniques to return the control of one’s life back to the individual. His own group work would eventually become the model for many peer dream groups that would form in the 1960′s and 1970′s.

The basic concept of Gestalt 

Perls believed that unresolved conflicts from the past had a great deal of influence upon present behavior, and that these conflicts needed to be "worked through" (Perls, 1969). He also felt that dreams were highly symbolic and made extensive use of interpretation. Perls felt all past conflicts were continually acted out in the present, and chose to work on them in the here-and-now. In the here-and-now we are completely free and can choose responsibility and openness instead of illness. In the here-and-now we are free to actively control our own "becoming." Thus Perls would have his patients enact in the present the conflict and have them take on the various parts of the conflict as dramatic roles so the patient could become aware of the conflict, contact it and control the direction of it in the present and future. Thus one’s feelings and actions become unified in a whole, what Perls calls a gestalt, that is more spontaneous, open and honest.

While Gestalt therapy has had its own ups and downs, supporters and critics, its own hey-day and decline, what we are going to look at here is the influence it has had on the modern dream work movement, particularly the techniques developed during 1960′s at the now famous Big Sur retreat center in California.

Gestalt approaches to the dream

Nearly all the techniques come from that same set of ideas that Jung offered us, that the dream is a subjective presentation of the dream him/herself and that there is a sense of wholeness in every image. As with Freud and Jung, for Perls what is unconscious in the personal psyche is initially projected out onto other people and to other objects. That is, we see in others first what we refuse to see in ourselves. Perls takes this idea to an extreme and looks at how all we see is in part a projection of ourselves.

"In dreams, the hardest aspect to accept is that every part of the dream is the dreamer: if I am driving along a dream highway, the car, the road, the passing automobiles, the distant mountains, the unseen dread, all are ‘me’." (Downing, 1973, pg 7)

As you can see, the difference between Jung’s view and Perls’ is that for Jung the dream has a subjective-objective tension, i.e. is about something that contains both inner and outer realities. For Perls, the objective outer boundary is allowed to collapse to get directly at the inner fantasy level. In this way the split off inner processes can be re-owned and integrated within the context of the immediate present.

And yet, as I mentioned, there is hardly a modern dream technique or approach that doesn’t acknowledge or use this idea of the intrapsychic dream landscape. Our charge is to keep an eye on the theory, but to focus on some of the ways the technique is unfolded that will allow us to give meaning to our dreams and recover the significance in a non-therapeutic setting. Thus the emphasis is two- fold here. The first is an historical rendering of the exercises and the second is a confining for our use the exercises to the imagination. Any direct use of the exercises should be done within the context of a qualified gestalt therapist.

Lose your mind and come to your senses," suggests Fritz. How aware are we of what we are doing in the present in the dream?

Exercise: The first thing to emphasize is the telling of the dream in present tense.
a. Take an dream and re-write it or tell it to yourself as if it is happening right now. Example: " I am flying over the bay and I feel anxious. I look towards the horizon for sharks. Now I’m flying towards the beach and see the bathers there."

b. For contrast, re-write the same dream in *past* tense as though it all happened a long time ago. Example: I was once flying over a bay and I was feeling kind of nervous. I was looking for sharks on the horizon. Then I was flying back towards the beach and I was looking at some people in the water."

What did you notice about the difference between the exercises? How alive did you feel in each exercise? Make some notes about this difference.

Now that we have moved into the present, let’s move into the subjective mode as well and see all parts of the dream as ourselves.

Exercise:
a. Take a dream and after each thing, adjective or action, put the phrase "Part of me". Example using the Bay Flyer dream: " The I (part of me) flies (part of me) over the bay (part of me) while the looking (part of me) for sharks (part of me)…"

b. Pick one of the parts of the dream that have some feeling or puzzle for you. In my example I’m going to choice the "sharks" and the "bay". Now pretend you are that part of the dream.

Example: "I am the Shark and I lurk unseen in the dream. I could swoop in at any moment and eat the bathers and yum, how good they would be too! I make the flyer nervous because I cause him to worry about things over which he has little control. But I give him a purpose too. All the dream flyer can do is watch, watch, watch. I like the unseen waters I swim in and hope the flyer gets a little closer to the water too!"

"I am the bay. I am both shallow and deep, friendly and dangerous.My waters flow out to the deep sea and up against the beach were people play. The dream flyer soars above me and sees both these parts of me, but he seems afraid of entering me himself. I am cold and liquid and bounded only by dry and structured things. I provide passage for many ships and fish."

Try this for as many part of the dream as you can. Notice how this changes (or doesn’t) your feelings about the dream images and the way they fit together.

By Richard Wilkerson

http://www.dreamtree.com/inside/2010/04/13/gestalt-dream-techniques-part-i/

http://www.dreamtree.com/inside/

Why Do I Get Jealous?

Jealousy is a human response most of us aren’t proud of feeling, and it often feels unpleasant, overwhelmingly strong, almost beyond our control. You can take the saywhydoi.com Jealousy Quiz to get a gauge of how jealous you are on our jealousy scale. Is jealousy really beyond our control? And why do people get jealous anyway?

What is jealousy?

Before we start talking about why jealousy happens and how to overcome it, let’s first look at the definition and meaning of jealousy:

Jealousy is a mixture of negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours we may experience when others have something desirable that we don’t have. So jealousy is a direct result of comparing ourselves with others. Other people’s good qualities, successes, achievements, possessions and relationships are all things which can stir feelings of jealousy. The precise expression of jealousy differs depending on the person and on the situation, but here are some common variations of how jealousy can feel:

• Feelings towards the person you are jealous of:
  - Anger at them
  - Feelings of hostility towards the person
  - Spite and ill-wishing towards the person
• Feelings within yourself:
  - Anger and resentment
  - Frustration
  - Feelings of humiliation or embarrassment
  - Fear: of failure, of loss, of damage to self-image
  - Depression and sadness
  - Self-pity
  - Feelings of loss
  - Feelings of hopelessness
  - Feelings of injustice
  - Feelings of inferiority
• Feelings towards the object of your desire:
  - Feelings of covetousness, possessiveness, yearning, longing and greed
  - Desire to control it
  - Fervent ambition
  - Passion for it (which is where the word “jealous” comes from, from the Greek wordzelos, meaning “full of zeal”)

Behaviours that may arise from jealousy are many but include:
- showing off what you have (resource displaying)
- concealment of the things you have which you don’t want others to have
- acting threateningly or picking fights with people you are jealous of.

Common side effects of jealousy are unpleasant emotions in yourself and it comes with a risk that these negative emotions will drive you to hurt others. There seems to be nothing particularly good about feeling jealous but like all emotions and behaviours, they are there for a reason. Jealousy is there because there is an underlying message behind it which is calling out to be heard. This message can be one of many, and if we understand the drivers behind our jealousy, interpreting its message becomes clearer.

Why do I get jealous?

When looking at the causes of jealousy, the reasons are wide reaching because there are a great number of types of jealousy from romantic jealousy to sibling rivalry and to work-related jealousy. But in spite of all the different types of jealousy there are some commonalities in the drivers behind this unpleasant feeling:

(Note: The following are theories regarding the causes of jealousy rather than hard facts)

1. Biological cause of jealousy:

a.) Biological causes of sexual and romantic jealousy

Males of our species have always been biologically driven by the need to reproduce in order to pass on their genes to the next generation. By being protective over “their woman” (sometimes expressed as jealous behaviour), they are trying to improve their chances that she makes their offspring, so that their genes and their lineage have the advantage to survive in future generations.

Romantic and sexual infidelity, especially if it happens before offspring has been born, can imply that the male’s seed will not be carried on to the next generation. Biologically speaking, this would be a disaster for the males’ lineage and genes, so jealous behaviours may have arisen as a response to deter such infidelity.

From a female’s perspective, emotional romantic infidelity can imply that her male partner won’t be providing just for her and her offspring. If he is not faithful, he has to support several females and all his offspring which means there are fewer resources available for her and her children, and this could reduce the likelihood of their survival.

b.) Biological causes of jealousy over material possessions

Some resources and “material possessions” like food and shelter -based things increase the chance of survival. Like most animals, humans have evolved to fight for their survival, so negative feelings surrounding the loss of material possessions to the favour of others can biologically result in the successful survival of “competitor genes” and the failure of their own. Such implications may have triggered a response of jealousy to motivate the individual to fight for material possessions to increase the chance of their own survival.

It may be that this natural biological attachment to “things” that would boost our chances of survival has spread to other material things that don’t necessarily improve our chances of survival, and this may partly be why people can feel jealous over material possessions.

This need to gain things for the purpose of survival may also extend to the feelings attached to winning and losing. From a very young age children are seen to rejoice when they win in a game and cry when they lose. This may reflect a biologically driven need to win because biologically, winning is associated with winning resources to improve chances of survival.

2. Psychological cause of jealousy

a.) Associating self-worth with “things” and accomplishments

According to Maslow’s famous Hierarchy of Needs pyramid, humans have a need for having good self-esteem. People can gain a sense of good self-esteem in many ways, some of which are fleeting and fragile, like the pursuit of “things” and achievements. These may be taken away from you at any second, in contrast to other self-esteem determinants which are more deep and meaningful, like the knowing of and the development of the self.

Sadly, many of us attach our feelings of self-worth to things like how much money we have. In the West, the capitalist society we live in encourages this way of thought.

Other things we may attach our feelings of self-worth to are how many cool things we own, how successful we are at our job, how successful we are in competitive sports, how many friends we have, how much other people love us and so on. These are all the “fleeting and fragile” things which aren’t true reflections of your self-worth. They are deceptive reinforcements to the self-esteem. Instead of being meaningful indicators of your true self worth, they only serve to strengthen the ego* and only help you feel good about yourself as long as you keep holding on to these things and never let go. Relying on these things makes your feelings of self-satisfaction volatile and it relinquishes your internal power.

Jealousy may be a side product of associating self-worth with these fragile, fleeting, deceptive reinforcements. The moment you are at risk of losing one of these “things” that have given you comfort and feelings of self-worth, lots of negative emotions can overwhelm you: fear of loss; fear of failure; fear of a damaged reputation and self-image, and above all, fear of a loss in your self-worth. It is no wonder that people react passionately in an attempt to hold on to these things, because effectively they are trying to hold on to their feelings of self-worth.

Dealing with jealousy of this sort:

The first step is becoming aware that self-worth is not linked to things, and to understand your self-worth in truer more meaningful terms. If you didn’t have any “things”, but were just you yourself, what would make you have a good feeling of self-worth? Just existing and being a part of this world makes you a worthy person; equally as worthy as anyone else in this world.  You are valuable because only you can live the life you are meant to live as a unique soul and give to the world your unique offerings, no matter how big or small. Remembering this can always remind you how very valuable you are.
Alongside your present consciousness other things which no-one can take away from you are your true self, love, sense of humour, life experience, individual wisdom, perspectives and knowledge, kindness, compassion, creativity, talents, aptitudes and similar things that only you can give to the world which no-one can ever take away from you.

b.) Associating “things” and accomplishments with who you are

Not only do some people associate things with their self-worth and how successful and valuable they are as human beings, some people actually associate things with who they are. This comes with a sense of entitlement: “I deserve to have this because it is who I am!”

For example, they might think that if they didn’t wear the best designer clothes and drive a Ferrari they wouldn’t really be “themselves”.  Another example would be that people see themselves as a “husband” or “wife” so that if suddenly that relationship didn’t work out, they would lose their sense of who they are. “If I’m not a loving wife, what am I?” This attachment to things and labels, and confusing it with your sense of self, is another reason why people may hold on tightly to things and react with passionate jealousy when they are at risk of losing them to someone else. It is almost a primitive or instinctual reaction akin to being at risk of death. In effect, it is a death of your ego* and of your false sense of self. It is not your survival which the jealousy is fighting for; but it is the fight for the survival of the ego that is involved here.

How to overcome jealousy of this sort:

Jealousy that arises due to fear of loss of who you are can be avoided if you work on discovering your true sense of self which is independent of “things” and accomplishments. If you didn’t have all these things and labels, who would you be? To explore this idea of who we truly are, I recommend reading Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth” or Deepak Chopra’s “The Ultimate Happiness Prescription”.

The main thing to remember is that the self-image which you portray to the world isn’t the real you. Your job title isn’t you; your job is merely something that you do. Your role in the household isn’t you; it’s just a role you take that has its associated responsibilities and actions. The events that happen to you aren’t you either. All these things are parts of your life but the real “you” is the consciousness within you which has no labels attached to it.

c.) Low self-esteem

People with low self-esteem who feel that they don’t really deserve the good things in their life may be more fearful about losing these things. So the guy with the low confidence who has a beautiful girlfriend may feel overly protective and jealous of others paying attention to her if he’s constantly fearing that she’ll probably dump him the second someone better comes along.

The same can apply in friendships, with people becoming overly protective, jealous and controlling in an attempt to keep their friends from abandoning them.

Neediness makes people with low self-esteem hold on more tightly to the things they have, and react with jealousy if they perceive a risk of it being taken away from them.

What drives people to have low self-esteem is a topic for another time but in the context of relationships, possible reasons could include poor attachment to parents when growing up or a difficult history with friendships as a child. To explore the reasons behind low self-esteem there are plenty of books you can explore, a small selection of which are linked to below:

Low self-esteem can also be aggravated by seeing others achieve the very things that you have difficulty achieving.

For example, if you’re having a hard time finding love and doubt your lovability or your ability to love, but you see someone else find love, it can awaken within you feelings of failure and fears of being alone forever.

If you’re a judgmental person, your feelings of low self-esteem can be exacerbated further if you always labelled a person as a “loser” and now you see he’s achieved something that you always dreamed of achieving, and could not. It’s easy to feel increasingly inferior when someone who you thought was “below you” suddenly gains those deceptive reinforcers of self-esteem which you desire.

It might be helpful to remind yourself that first of all no one is ever “above” or “below” anyone else, no matter what their achievements are.

Second of all it can be helpful to realise that your lack of success has no reflection on who you really are, your true self, your lovability or your self-worth. And the comparative achievements of others do not add or reduce your own worth either.

If you have low self-esteem together with a tendency to use “things” and accomplishments as a means to increase your self-worth, it is a cocktail that could make a person prone to experiencing jealousy.

d.) Belief that anger and spite will get you the results you want

When we’re young, we learn from our parents that when we do something wrong, they become angry with us. Sometimes they punish us. And how did we respond as children? We usually surrendered to them and did what they wanted. It makes sense then that children learn that if you’re angry (a common ingredient of jealousy), you get what you want. Even if we don’t acknowledge this belief consciously, there may be a part of us that believes that if we react to a situation with angry jealousy, somehow it will succeed in getting us what we want.

3. Spiritual explanations of jealousy

a.) The belief that we are all separate entities and that we are special and even better than others

In the Western world we are encouraged to believe that we are all individuals, unique and special, and that we’re all in competition with one another where the best and most successful people “win” the best lives for themselves. Because of the emphasis on the importance of the individual, we tend to foster a belief that each individual is not equally worthy and others are not equal to us. We often believe deep down that we are better than others and therefore we deserve good things more than others. You see this a lot with political campaigns where each rival tries to convince the public just how much better he or she is than their opponents. Here lies a potential cause for jealousy: If others get something and we don’t get it, but we believe that we’re special and we deserved to receive that thing, it can stir up feelings of injustice and jealousy.

Overcoming jealousy through the idea of the  collective consciousness
In spiritual thinking there is a belief that we are all part of a collective consciousness. Rather than all being apart and separate, it suggests we are all connected together. All is one. If you see the world through these eyes, your neighbour’s success is effectively your own success. He is a part of you and you are a part of him. It makes little sense to be jealous of a part of you. Cultivating this acceptance and knowledge that “all is one” is a process and does not necessarily occur overnight.

b.) Lack mindset rather than abundance mentality

Scarcity mindset or lack mentality is when you believe that there is a finite amount of resources available in the world, and that if one person gets more resources there will be less available for you. If Jones gets the promotion, it means you didn’t, and it means you have less. Or if your friend married a corker of a girl it means she’s off the market and now there’s one less fish in the sea for you. This can create jealousy and resentment towards the “haves” if you find yourself amongst the “have nots”.

Dealing with jealousy that results from scarcity mentality:

Lack mentality is a mindset which is under our control and can be changed. We can choose to view the world from an abundance mentality point of view, where we see resources such as love, success etc as being infinite and abundant. If one person has good fortune it doesn’t reduce the chances of you having good fortune at all. If Jones gets the promotion and you didn’t, there are still lots of promotion-options for you in other avenues, if not in your company then in other companies. If your friend married a wonderful girl and she’s no longer on the market, well there are still plenty of fish in the sea for you. Opportunities are there for you in abundance if you seek them out.  There is enough happiness to go around for everyone.

In spiritual thought, the Universe is an abundant one and the Law of Attraction always works in your favour as long as you focus on what you want rather than on what you don’t have. You can read more about this concept in the books Ask and It Is Given and The Law of Attraction.

c.) Attracting jealousy-inducing situations: “Ask and it is given” as a cause for jealousy

As mentioned above, there is a spiritual law known as “The Law of Attraction”, and this suggests that whatever you focus on is what you’ll get. As strange as it might sound, some people consistently draw situations to themselves which make them feel jealous by focusing on their fears and concentrating on all the things they don’t want to happen. The result? They end up drawing precisely those things which they fear to themselves. To reiterate, the theory is that when you focus on something, you are sending the Universe a message that you want more of it in your life. It is as if you are subconsciously asking for it, and the Universe does it’s best to give that which you ask for. Remembering then that focusing on what you desire is what you need to do, releasing all thoughts of what you don’t have or don’t want. According to the Law of Attraction, when you cultivate a positive attitude you will draw positive experiences into your life.

source: http://www.saywhydoi.com/